Screaming in a quiet place

I live in a world where stress and emotion basically run my life. I am constantly stressed about school and constantly reminded that if I don’t stress about school I basically wont have a future. When it’s not school it’s about my home, my family, drama with friends or basically anything else that has to do with life. Sometimes, I feel like I just need out, not like a break, not a weekend getaway, just out. I need to not be surrounded by people who put school above everything else, especially when I feel like my emotional health is being traded for academic success. I can’t be around people who blame each other and never take responsibility for themselves. So, sometimes, I just need a minute to step out of the craziness of my life and breathe. I need to plug in my headphones and internally cry my heart out and pretend the stress and the people don’t exist, but I can’t.

I can’t get away from this, I don’t have anywhere to go, there’s nowhere that is just mine, there’s not quiet room I can sit in to just breathe and forget about life. So all I can do is say nothing about how much pressure I feel and pray that I make it through the day without speaking my mind, because if I spoke my mind nobody would like what came out. Nobody wants to hear about how I don’t believe school should go before everything else, nobody wants to hear about how I can feel my home falling out from underneath itself, and no one wants to hear about how unhappy I am, being where I am. So, I will find a place in my mind that is quiet and safe and I will scream in a place where no one can hear me, and I will cry where no one can see me and I’ll only tell myself how I feel because at the end of the day, no one else is even listening.

Advertisements

My unknown story.

When people ask me for my story, I always smile and say, “Someday, I will tell you.” It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s not even that it makes me uncomfortable, I just don’t know how. My story has too many sub-stories to be sidetracked on, too much context to explain, too many details to describe other details, it just doesn’t work. So, here I am, willing to try but not knowing how.

My story revolves around so many things; I’m not even sure who the main character is. There are so many story-lines, I sometimes wonder if God is preparing for a spinoff. There too much me and not enough airtime.

When people ask for my story, do they mean the jumbled up sentences in my head that could easily be a trilogy? Or do they mean the short novelette that barely scratches the surface? I want to tell them who I am, where I come from, and where I’ve had to go to get to this point. But there are a lot of roads I’ve traveled and many more to go. I don’t know where to begin and I don’t know how to end.

So, to those who truly want to know my story, I will tell you, as soon as I have figured out how to tell myself.

Who thinks about you?

Sometime’s I find that someone who is really important to me, most likely doesn’t feel like I’m important to them.  I’ve been thinking, who are the people I think and talk about all the time? How often do they think of me? Who are those people I love more than anything? There are some specific people that come to might when I consider inviting friends over or asking somebody to go out and have fun, would those same people consider inviting me to something?

Maybe it’s silly to think like this. Maybe it’s a waste of time to wonder who is thinking of you. Who is remembering all the good times and who is wondering if you’re doing okay?
Who considers texting you just to chat or thinks about calling you to see how you’re doing? Who are the people you think of all the time, that only think of you when you’re in the same room?

Goals

Not a lot has happened lately to give me something to write about. A new year has started but not much has changed. I find that a lot of us are expecting some big change to happen right at the beginning of the new year, and maybe for you it has. But I don’t think we should expect big changes to happen in two weeks, it only discourages many of us from achieving the goals we have set for ourselves.

In school I’ve been learning a lot about setting goals. I’ve always liked setting goals for myself but I’ve rarely ever achieved the goals that I want to because I always give up within the first three or four days after it doesn’t happen within the first three or four days. Sometimes we expect everything to happen right away and when it doesn’t we give up because we’ve made ourselves believe that if it hasn’t happened yet, it never will

Of course even things we work for our entire lives may never happen but things we work towards for a week and give up will not happen.

I don’t really know what made me want to write about this but I’m glad I did.

Thanks for reading!

 

Here’s to 2017

Here’s to the start of another year. A lot happened in 2016 and I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the world. I can’t say I had the best year but I also can’t say I had the worst year, I can say that it was an eventful year.

2016 is gone and 2017 has arrived, so here’s to the new relationships we’ll make, the happy moments, the sad moments and everything in between. I’m excited to see what this new year will bring me. Here’s to new dreams and even new nightmares. Here’s to everything this year that will permanently be set in my mind. No matter what happens the good and the bad I know in the end it’s for the best because I trust that my story is still being written and I trust that there will be a happy ending.

So I just want to wish everyone a happy new year, and thanks for reading.

 

-Abby.

This drives me crazy!

Something that I have noticed has begun to drive me insane recently is; listening to people complain about other people. It’s annoying and it’s kind of immature. If you have a problem with that person feel free to talk to them but I don’t want to hear why you dislike them or what you think they’re doing wrong.

I’ve overheard people complain about me so many times and I hate it because honestly I would much rather them talk to me than somebody else talking to me on their behalf. If you’re annoyed with something I’m doing or if something I said hurt your feelings tell me! I cannot fix anything if I don’t know what you’re upset about, or if I don’t even know you’re upset.

I found that people have been avoiding telling me what they actually think so they’re just constantly mad at me and I don’t know it. And then later when I find out they’re upset they deny it or just ignore me altogether. I’m not flip out on you because you told me something I did hurt you! I want to know.

And I’m sure others feel that way too. I’ve been noticing more and more how much people talk about others negatively and much of the time it really sounds like something they could actually let go and forget about. But seriously guys if you’re upset with something someone else did or said tell then it could save you a lot of trouble.

Being a teenager

I am a teenager, and sometimes being a teen sucks like a lot. I hate school not because I don’t want to learn (well that’s partly the reason) but because think of how much time I spend focused on school. I online school but I try to spend six hours a day doing school but somehow I still have to catch up on some stuff and I keep having to stay up really late to finish many of my assignments on time.

I don’t know if you know this but many teenagers need this little thing called a social life. I don’t have much of one but it’s important to me. If I don’t see my friends for a few weeks I tend to be in a bad mood or get depressed I may be able to text them but it’s not the same. The thing is school and other responsibility can sometimes make it difficult to find time or energy to go out and have fun and for me even if I’m out with friends a lot of times the only thing I think about is how I’m going to finish that one assignment that’s due the next week.

I know that you were expecting this and I’m not sure where I’m going with this but here goes nothing.

I am a teen girl so with my social life comes this little thing known as drama, and not just any kind of drama no this is probably the worst and sometimes most annoying type of drama; Boy Drama. Okay, so everyone at some point in their life has had a crush right? I thought so.

I try to stay away from boy drama because it’s stupid and avoidable but I am a girl and I have actually met and spoken to a boy at some point in my teen life. Let me explain something; when a girl talks to a boy though sometimes it means they “like” them sometimes they’re just friends and she doesn’t see it as anything else. But we’re talking about the one’s girls “like”

Normally it starts when I girl gets a crush on a guy but wont tell him blah blah blah they start going out blah blah blah “Oh baby I love you,” fast forward *fights, breaks up* tears girl claims that she’ll never love again, oh look cute boy.

Yeah…I’ve never had that happen I’ve only seen it on TV. So yeah avoid boy drama, just don’t go there.

So yeah being a teen has challenges and so does every other stage of life. I’m not saying we have it worse than everybody else. This was short and there are so many other things I could put in there but I gotta go do school.

 

Thanks for reading!