Things I want to do more.

In the past year, I have gotten to know a darker side of myself, a scarier side. Because of the relationship I developed with my “dark side” I have forgotten to do things, simple things that make life just that much better. So here are just a few things I which I had done more in the past year.

  1. Gone outside. I wish I had spent more time outside in the last year, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun or smelling the breeze that floats through the atmosphere.
  2. Laughed so hard my stomach hurt. It seems funny to miss something as little as laughing but without laughter, I feel like there is little joy in life.
  3. Let my inner child run free. Inside of me, there is a little girl who wants nothing but to play and go on adventures. She’s been dying to be let out and I wish I had of let her take control more in the past year.
  4. Sat in the grass. This sounds crazy, I know, but I wish I had sat in the grass in silence and just remembered to love breathing. I wish I had of remembered to appreciate the world that was surrounding me.
  5. Smiled. I wish, that in the last year, I had of smiled more. I wish I had of genuinely smiled because I was happy. Sure I smiled but it was different, almost forced smile.

These things are small but without them, I would not be living, I would simply be existing. I don’t want to just exist anymore, I wanna to remember to do these every day from this point on. I want to let my inner child take control and teach me how to love life again.

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No signal

Okay, today I’m going to share with you something that I wrote. Now you’re going to have use your imagination a little and maybe you’ll see this story from my point of view or you’ll see it from a different perspective. Well, either way I hope this impacts you somehow and makes you think. I will warn you it’s kind cliche christian.

Now imagine the person losing the connection is you, or me if it doesn’t really apply to you but just imagine it from the callers point of view. Now here’s the surprising part, the person on the other end of the call is God (I know it’s shocking). Yup quite the plot twist. Now in the story it never tells you who it is but if you know who it is then the story might make more sense (or less).

Now, enjoy and imagine yourself in this position. Thank you for reading.

No signal—

You type a number into your phone and press the call button. You hear your phone ring once, then again, and one more time before hearing “Hello,” come through the speaker. Finally, after a day of not talking you finally hear the voice of that one person you can’t live without. “Hey, it’s me,” you say. You can feel happiness bubbling up in your heart and making it’s way through your body. It revives every part of you that felt dead just seconds before pressing the green call button. Then you hear a weird noise and before either of you can say anything else the line goes dead. The feeling of happiness drains from your body and frustration and anger replace it. They hung up on you. Guess they didn’t want to talk to you as much as you wanted to talk to them.

Anger fills your heart so that nothing else can get in. You take the phone and throw it across the room. It lands on an old couch but it bounces off and lands on the floor. Suddenly fear fills you; fear that you might have just broken the only connection to the one you need to talk to. You’re not mad anymore but you’re scared that somehow they know you blamed them for disconnecting and maybe it wasn’t their fault at all. Slowly you cross the floor and hope that your phone still works. You press the power button gently but the screen remains black. You feel a twist in your stomach. Without this phone, how will you talk to him? Again, you press the button harder and hold down longer, you press so hard your entire hand aches from the pressure. You let go and still all you get is a dark screen. You wait a second and then finally a light flickers on and your phone powers up.

You see a bunch of missed call notifications and quickly unlock your phone. All of the calls are from him. He’s been trying to reach you. His name pops up on your screen as a ringtone plays. You press the answer button. “Why’d you hang up on me?” you ask. Again, before he can answer the phone disconnects. You examine the screen; at the top, you realize there is no signal, zero bars. He didn’t hang up, you disconnected.

You walk around the room trying to find a signal. You even go outside. Nothing, no signal. This happens a lot when it rains. Every thunderstorm messes with your connection and right now it’s storming but you have to talk to him. You need him especially during a storm. So you look around the room and finally you see a box and then another box and you have an idea.You stack one of the boxes on top of the other and slowly attempt to climb on top of them. They wobble and you’re afraid of falling but you have to talk to him so you find your balance and dial his number and then press the call button and hold your phone out, your arm extended. Finally, there it is, two bars, only two but it’s enough. Your phone rings, and then rings again before “Hello?’ comes through the speaker. “Hey, sorry my signal dropped,” you reply. “I know. I’ve been waiting patiently for your call,” You two talk for a long time and you forget about your fear of falling because all you really wanted was to talk to the one person you can’t live without.

The End.

So here’s want I want to ask you. If you had a strong connection with God before but lost it would you risk falling to reconnect? If you’re just now connecting with God but don’t really know how would you search everywhere for a signal? The thing is a lot of the time when I pray I don’t feel heard and for the longest time I just assumed God had hung up on me but in reality, I lost the signal. Maybe I didn’t work that hard through my hand cramp to turn my phone back on and most of the time the fear of falling was greater than my will to reconnect.

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, maybe you don’t even believe there’s a god out there. Maybe you believe in God you just don’t believe you could ever ask him for anything or that you really need him.

I don’t know what your faith is like but I really hope this makes you think, even if you’re just wondering what I was on when I wrote this.

Thank you for reading

-Abby

I care, do you?

When did people put a time limit on how long you can care and worry about somebody, about a fellow human. If I were in a dangerous situation whether I put myself there or just ended up there somehow I would want somebody to care, to fight for me. I’ve heard people talk about how they want to stay out of someone else’s drama and I understand but sometimes you don’t have to put yourself in the middle of the drama in order to show that you care about someone.

A year ago some drama was unfolding involving a close friend of mine. Back then I was so jealous of all the attention she was getting, in a way it still affects me. So many people were praying for her, offering emotional support, loving on her, talking about her and I was complaining because that was taking attention away from me but I get it now. I recently started speaking with her again and there’s still drama but this time I can honestly say that I’m worried about her and I really care about her and what happens to her. The thing is, I’ve updated other people on the situation and some of them seem to have stopped caring.

First of all, this is honestly one of the reasons I don’t refer to myself as a christian, not that all Christians are like this but so many of them pray for people when they know they’ll be seeing them in church on Sunday, but when they don’t see them in church anymore they stop caring. I’ve seen it before and it’s ridiculous. You can’t just pray for someone cause that’s what all the other Christians are doing and then stop caring when it’s no longer a popular trend, that’s not how it works!

Second of all, you don’t have to be a christian to understand that when someone is important to you, you don’t stop loving them when they’re gone.

My fear now is that the people who’ve told me they’ll be there for me, the one’s who have been there through all of my drama will one day decide they’re done. I think one of the worst things is not having someone fight for you.

Right now I am a support system for her possibly the only one she has and I’m not gonna give up on her.

Either you care, or you don’t. You can’t put a expiration date on that. I’m sorry but you can’t. So please get over yourselves and find the little shred of humanity that I really hope you have.

 

 

I’m sorry for the long rant guys! This has just been something that’s been weighing on my heart and it needed to be said. Love you guys.

 

-Abby

Breaking under pressure

A lot of things can pressure someone, and under too much pressure people break. Being homeschooled my entire life, I had no idea how much work somebody in school actually did on a regular bases. I didn’t know how stressful school could be and I didn’t realize how horrible I was at keeping on track. Now I’m doing online school, so while I don’t have to leave the house I still have more work than I’m used to. I have never been so stressed out or tired in my entire life.

Back in November I injured my back and I still don’t know how I injured it or how bad it is so in January I made the decision to take a break from dance which not only kept me in shape physically and mentally but it kept the stress from getting to be as much and was the only thing keeping me somewhat sane and emotionally stable. While writing is a good outlet for my emotions it doesn’t let me act out my anger and sadness, it doesn’t give me something to push myself towards in the physical means.

Now I just feel angry and hateful all the time. I don’t really get sad or if I do it doesn’t last long. I feel like slowly everything that I had is being taken away by a physical issue or even just lack of interest. I leave the house 2 maybe 3 times a week and I get only 2 hours out of the entire week to have social interaction with anyone my age. And sometimes I don’t see anyone at all, and I hate that. I need that social interaction.

I went from being busy everyday of the week to not doing anything in a short time period. Sometimes someone will invite me over and I’ll say no cause I have school to do, sometimes I don’t want to go at all. Sometimes all I want to do  is sleep.

A year ago I finally felt like my life was going places. I was doing so well with everything. I was working with horses and dancing and working with 4 year olds. Now I feel like it’s all reversed. I used to remind myself that I had something to look forward to everyday and now I remind myself that tomorrow is just another day and I pray that I sleep through it.

I used to hear people say they were proud of me and I’d believe them because I was so proud of me too. Now, all I hear is “Do more, be better, work harder, you’re not doing a good job anymore” and even if someone tells me they’re proud, it doesn’t matter. I’m not proud to be me anymore so how could they be proud of me? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I can’t handle this pressure, this stress. I can feel myself about to snap, but I’m too tired so I welcome it saying “hurry it up already so I can finally rest,”

I know I’ve been all over the place in this blog so thank you if you made it to the end before hitting the back button. I want you to know this is not me giving up, this is me telling you that I’m breaking under the pressure of life and I recognize it and right now I’m not okay, but I will be.

 

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.

Never say never

It’s funny how often I look back and think of the times in middle school and even freshman year of highschool that I had told myself, convinced at that moment that there was something I would never do, someone I’d never be. I always said I’d never be that teenager that stayed up all night and slept all day, I’d never listen to loud rock music and I’d never get so stressed out over anything that I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions. Now I stay up all night because I’m stressed out about school while blasting Panic! at the disco to keep myself awake.

When I was little, I always wanted to be sixteen. I’d have my own car, I’d be in highschool, I’d have the perfect boyfriend and a huge group of friends. I know I was a very shallow and naive child. Well here I am, age sixteen, and while I’m in highschool, nothing else I expected has happened. I’m not saying being a teenager is a huge letdown or anything, but it’s not what I expected.

I am not who I wanted to be. I’m not who I want to be, basically the opposite. I wanted to be bold, and friendly, and smart, and happy, and creative, and I wanted to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and how to make it happen. Instead I am timid, self-conscious, rude, I’m not completely depressed but I’m not happy, I continue to make decisions impulsively that I do not agree with, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

In a way this is me admitting that I have no idea what I’m doing in life right now. I don’t like how I took everything I said I never wanted to be and made it my identity I took my ideas of being a good person and said “screw it!” this is highschool, I’m going to do whatever I want and figure everything else out later.

I keep asking myself how it is that I ended up where I am now. When did I start caring what others think so much, that I change depending on the people I’m with so they’ll like me? When did I stop telling people how I felt about something because I didn’t want them to hate me? When did I become so worried about things other people wanted me to do because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone?

I became that teenager that only cares what humanity thinks of her, I became that girl who is afraid to tell people what she thinks, how she feels, and what she’s going through because she doesn’t want people to hate who she really is. I became self absorbed to be honest.

The thing is, I convinced myself that everyone thinks and sees things the same way I do. I am convinced that everyone sees me the way I see me which is probably why I work so hard to get their attention and approval. It’s probably the reason I assume that I need to make myself seem perfect in the eyes of whoever I am around so they will not hate me.

I’m not who I wanted to be, all those things I said I would never become, I became. It’s kind of funny actually because now I understand why so many people keep saying “never say never,”

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.

 

 

The necklace

Something has been happening the last few weeks. I have been fighting with myself and with God. In the past year I have been everywhere in terms of mental and emotional stability. I doubted that God loved me or cared for me and even started to doubt that he wanted me and was powerful enough to help me in my situation.

I confused myself as well as stressing myself out and I think the most damaging thing I did to myself was I wouldn’t let myself trust anything I couldn’t physically touch in the moment. If somebody told my they loved me, while they were in the room I believed them, but the second they left, I wondered if maybe they forgot me the second they left.

Tonight, at youth group, I was thinking. I thought about how I have convinced myself that I could handle life on my own and I thought of how that really wasn’t working out. I was convinced that no matter what I did NOT want any kind of help from anyone, even God.

A friend of mine who specializes in lectures about God planted a seed of thought in my head last night. He said “If you’re not good at handling your problems by yourself, and you’ve admitted that you haven’t actually tried to accept God and his help, then what sense does it make to not need or want him in your life?” And I’m not gonna lie, I really didn’t have a good answer. A few excuses maybe, but no solid answer.

So tonight, while everyone was discussing the topic chosen for them,  I zoned out and got lost in thought. I realized tonight that even if I don’t think I want God in my life I do need him. God is there and he doesn’t “not want people,” God wants everyone to come to him, it’s us that turn away.

I was upset, because I realized how far I had strayed from God. But here’s the interesting part, I went and sat in the back corner alone and immediately two of my friends came to me. And while I wasn’t crying, they knew I needed them ant they knew what I needed from them even though I didn’t have any idea. The one friend comforted me. I often refuse to accept that somebody cares about me or loves me, it’s something I struggle with, even though I don’t really have a reason to have that struggle. I also fail to remember that God is ALWAYS with me.

This friend asked me to hold out my hand, and when I did he places a brown beaded necklace in the palm of my hand. He told me that he would pray over this necklace, he said in a way, that it was a symbol that helped him remember God was always with him. He gave me that necklace so that I could remember that no matter what God is always with me.

Not only that but people I barely know came around and prayed for me and hugged me and just made me feel loved.

I didn’t know I needed that but not only do I feel loved but now I have something I can touch to help me remember I’m not alone and I’m loved and cared for. While I don’t think I should rely on a physical object to help my faith grow I think that God was providing me with solid proof that even though I may have walked away, he never left my side.

This is also a reminder that anything you do no matter how small for the good of someone else may affect them much more than you know.

Positivity

I am I generally negative person, not normally on purpose but sometimes I just am. I’ve been thinking lately about what causes that kind of negativity and what it would be like to be positive. Much of the time somebody will tell me having a bad day, or bring in a bad mood is really my choice and I could just decide to be in a good mood and sometimes that’s true, sometimes it’s not.

I’m a stubborn person though so even if I know I could be positive that day I will choose no to just to prove some kind of point to everyone that I am a grumpy and very rude person. I don’t know why I choose to make people believe I’m grumpy but I do.

Well something interesting happened today. I woke up with no patience and a really bad headache and part way through the day I just said to myself “Today is a good day,” Yeah I know it sounds stupid trying to just convince myself of this but it worked. I decided today was a good day and now it is. I realize this may not work everytime but what I find most interesting, is while I still have a lingering headache, it is definitely fading ever since I told myself today was a good day.

What I really should say is that, while you can’t always control whether or not you have a bad day, you can at least try to convince yourself to have a good attitude and not be as affected by having a bad day.

Thanks for reading!

-Abby