A lot of things can pressure someone, and under too much pressure people break. Being homeschooled my entire life, I had no idea how much work somebody in school actually did on a regular bases. I didn’t know how stressful school could be and I didn’t realize how horrible I was at keeping on track. Now I’m doing online school, so while I don’t have to leave the house I still have more work than I’m used to. I have never been so stressed out or tired in my entire life.
Back in November I injured my back and I still don’t know how I injured it or how bad it is so in January I made the decision to take a break from dance which not only kept me in shape physically and mentally but it kept the stress from getting to be as much and was the only thing keeping me somewhat sane and emotionally stable. While writing is a good outlet for my emotions it doesn’t let me act out my anger and sadness, it doesn’t give me something to push myself towards in the physical means.
Now I just feel angry and hateful all the time. I don’t really get sad or if I do it doesn’t last long. I feel like slowly everything that I had is being taken away by a physical issue or even just lack of interest. I leave the house 2 maybe 3 times a week and I get only 2 hours out of the entire week to have social interaction with anyone my age. And sometimes I don’t see anyone at all, and I hate that. I need that social interaction.
I went from being busy everyday of the week to not doing anything in a short time period. Sometimes someone will invite me over and I’ll say no cause I have school to do, sometimes I don’t want to go at all. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep.
A year ago I finally felt like my life was going places. I was doing so well with everything. I was working with horses and dancing and working with 4 year olds. Now I feel like it’s all reversed. I used to remind myself that I had something to look forward to everyday and now I remind myself that tomorrow is just another day and I pray that I sleep through it.
I used to hear people say they were proud of me and I’d believe them because I was so proud of me too. Now, all I hear is “Do more, be better, work harder, you’re not doing a good job anymore” and even if someone tells me they’re proud, it doesn’t matter. I’m not proud to be me anymore so how could they be proud of me? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I can’t handle this pressure, this stress. I can feel myself about to snap, but I’m too tired so I welcome it saying “hurry it up already so I can finally rest,”
I know I’ve been all over the place in this blog so thank you if you made it to the end before hitting the back button. I want you to know this is not me giving up, this is me telling you that I’m breaking under the pressure of life and I recognize it and right now I’m not okay, but I will be.
Thanks for reading!