Breaking under pressure

A lot of things can pressure someone, and under too much pressure people break. Being homeschooled my entire life, I had no idea how much work somebody in school actually did on a regular bases. I didn’t know how stressful school could be and I didn’t realize how horrible I was at keeping on track. Now I’m doing online school, so while I don’t have to leave the house I still have more work than I’m used to. I have never been so stressed out or tired in my entire life.

Back in November I injured my back and I still don’t know how I injured it or how bad it is so in January I made the decision to take a break from dance which not only kept me in shape physically and mentally but it kept the stress from getting to be as much and was the only thing keeping me somewhat sane and emotionally stable. While writing is a good outlet for my emotions it doesn’t let me act out my anger and sadness, it doesn’t give me something to push myself towards in the physical means.

Now I just feel angry and hateful all the time. I don’t really get sad or if I do it doesn’t last long. I feel like slowly everything that I had is being taken away by a physical issue or even just lack of interest. I leave the house 2 maybe 3 times a week and I get only 2 hours out of the entire week to have social interaction with anyone my age. And sometimes I don’t see anyone at all, and I hate that. I need that social interaction.

I went from being busy everyday of the week to not doing anything in a short time period. Sometimes someone will invite me over and I’ll say no cause I have school to do, sometimes I don’t want to go at all. Sometimes all I want to do  is sleep.

A year ago I finally felt like my life was going places. I was doing so well with everything. I was working with horses and dancing and working with 4 year olds. Now I feel like it’s all reversed. I used to remind myself that I had something to look forward to everyday and now I remind myself that tomorrow is just another day and I pray that I sleep through it.

I used to hear people say they were proud of me and I’d believe them because I was so proud of me too. Now, all I hear is “Do more, be better, work harder, you’re not doing a good job anymore” and even if someone tells me they’re proud, it doesn’t matter. I’m not proud to be me anymore so how could they be proud of me? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I can’t handle this pressure, this stress. I can feel myself about to snap, but I’m too tired so I welcome it saying “hurry it up already so I can finally rest,”

I know I’ve been all over the place in this blog so thank you if you made it to the end before hitting the back button. I want you to know this is not me giving up, this is me telling you that I’m breaking under the pressure of life and I recognize it and right now I’m not okay, but I will be.

 

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.

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Never say never

It’s funny how often I look back and think of the times in middle school and even freshman year of highschool that I had told myself, convinced at that moment that there was something I would never do, someone I’d never be. I always said I’d never be that teenager that stayed up all night and slept all day, I’d never listen to loud rock music and I’d never get so stressed out over anything that I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions. Now I stay up all night because I’m stressed out about school while blasting Panic! at the disco to keep myself awake.

When I was little, I always wanted to be sixteen. I’d have my own car, I’d be in highschool, I’d have the perfect boyfriend and a huge group of friends. I know I was a very shallow and naive child. Well here I am, age sixteen, and while I’m in highschool, nothing else I expected has happened. I’m not saying being a teenager is a huge letdown or anything, but it’s not what I expected.

I am not who I wanted to be. I’m not who I want to be, basically the opposite. I wanted to be bold, and friendly, and smart, and happy, and creative, and I wanted to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and how to make it happen. Instead I am timid, self-conscious, rude, I’m not completely depressed but I’m not happy, I continue to make decisions impulsively that I do not agree with, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

In a way this is me admitting that I have no idea what I’m doing in life right now. I don’t like how I took everything I said I never wanted to be and made it my identity I took my ideas of being a good person and said “screw it!” this is highschool, I’m going to do whatever I want and figure everything else out later.

I keep asking myself how it is that I ended up where I am now. When did I start caring what others think so much, that I change depending on the people I’m with so they’ll like me? When did I stop telling people how I felt about something because I didn’t want them to hate me? When did I become so worried about things other people wanted me to do because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone?

I became that teenager that only cares what humanity thinks of her, I became that girl who is afraid to tell people what she thinks, how she feels, and what she’s going through because she doesn’t want people to hate who she really is. I became self absorbed to be honest.

The thing is, I convinced myself that everyone thinks and sees things the same way I do. I am convinced that everyone sees me the way I see me which is probably why I work so hard to get their attention and approval. It’s probably the reason I assume that I need to make myself seem perfect in the eyes of whoever I am around so they will not hate me.

I’m not who I wanted to be, all those things I said I would never become, I became. It’s kind of funny actually because now I understand why so many people keep saying “never say never,”

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.