I’ve never had the best relationship with my mom. My dad left when I was a baby and I guess I kinda blamed her for him leaving. But the thing is my mom doesn’t know jack about me. Whenever I have problems she hands me my phone and says talk to Abby, when your done here’s your chore list. My sister calls me mom half the time. My brother can’t wait tho get out of this living hell. My mother blames it on me. I know all of her speeches I’ve heard them so many times. Her favorite speech to five me is Rosie your a disappointment. Whenever we fight I listen to sia elastic heart. I tell myself I lose if she sees me cry so I run. My getaway is probably my dancing. I know I’m not the best dancer not even close. But when I dance I feel free I feel it’s okay to cry and to laugh . that I can let it out instead of storing it inside. My freinds call me outgoing. People who don’t know me call me shy. But when I Dance, I am neither and both, I am flying with both feet on the ground. When I dance I can forget my dad leaving and my brother counting the days till he leaves. I can forget my sister coming in the kitchen and accidentally calling me mom, again, I can forget that I didn’t do well on my science test. I can forget the sharp aching pain in my chest of suppressed feelings. sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of emotion because I feel so robotic going through the motions every day… Again and again. Never allowing myself to cry. I have gotten used to the feeling of numb. Except when I dance. When I dance it’s okay to cry and laugh and just breathe without … This is why I Dance. This is what Dancing means to me.
From the time we’re little we begin to record things in our minds. We remember both good and bad things, so we can go back and look over it all later. But sometimes these are things we would love to forget. Like for me the day my grandpa died. I would love to forget that day. The thing is that, that day helped to make me who I am now.
I remember when we’d go over there on Sunday’s and everytime he would ask the same question “Hey kid, did you dance today,” and I’d always say “Yeah Grandpa,” and I’d twirl around and preform some of the steps we learned and he would just sit there and laugh. Grandpa had this unforgettable laugh and no matter how he felt he was always smiling. I miss him but everyone dies and I knew it was gonna be soon. It was just some feeling I had. I’m glad that even though I didn’t know it I got to say good-bye. I wasn’t prepared and sometimes I still think it’s unfair. Sometimes after a recital I think did you see that Grandpa? I danced today. I don’t know where he is but I know that when I dance a tiny piece of my heart breaks because I know he would have loved it. Somehow I feel like he can see me though and all I want to do is make him proud.
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I was talking with a friend a few days ago, it had been a rough day and I felt angry for basically no reason. So my friend was telling me when I feel angry I should dance and put all that anger into dance.
I was impressed at his advice because he’s not a dancer. So now I know how to control my anger, and sadness, and confusion and when I dance I finally feel the music and my dancing finally means something important. And maybe I can finally know how I feel and be happy most of the time.
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First day of physical therapy was yesterday. Not only will it hopefully help my knee to heal, but I realized it may make me a better and stronger dancer. So hey, something good did come out of this whole mess with my knee.
So this is my new challenge for myself. I always see the bad long before I see the good. So maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try and see the good and the bad, and prepare for both. I always think worst scenario so when I get the bad news I was already expecting it, but then it messes with my head when I get good news. There are a lot of, what if’. Like “what if the doctor got the wrong MRI results,” “What if I make it worse and can’t dance after all,” So My challenge is to think positively whenever I can.
Hopefully if you have the same problem you will try this as well.
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I was bored so here are some random facts about me.
I like writing stories
I love dancing
I love horses and volunteer at a horse farm that focuses on therapeutic riding.
My favorite horse is a Halfinger named Mack.
My favorite colors are: Aqua, Dark purple, and black.
I’m learning American Sign Language
After highschool I hope to go to college for Special Ed.
I hate saying the word disabilities
I like Sci-Fi books
I am a Christian and believe Jesus sacrificed his life for me on the cross.
I love toddlers
My best friend is Rosie
I have serious jealousy issues and can be a little paranoid.
I can be really mean to people, but I try not to, it just sorta happens.
My favorite movie is Lord of the rings.
I like Fall Out Boy, For king and country, and pentatonix.
That’s a little bit about me,
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Okay, I had another doctor visit and I guess I got up at 5am and sat still for 45 minutes to wait two days for them to tell me the MRI showed nothing! So the doctor I saw today said something in my knee just decided to flare up and scare the crap outta everyone I know. So I now have physical therapy and an anti-inflammatory and that’s it.
He didn’t say I couldn’t dance, so as long as I take it easy i guess I’m allowed to dance. God answered my prayers this week and I’m so thankful and relieved. Of course I still have to work to get better and I have a follow up in a few weeks, but I’m definitely gonna work really hard to heal and come back as a better and stronger dancer.
So even though it wasn’t serious I learned just how important dance really was to me and hopefully this will help me to remember to work harder and put more effort into dancing. And live like it’s my last chance to dance.
Thanks for reading guys!
I have to start off by saying I love my dance teacher. My knees been hurting really bad so I’ve gone to classes but I end up sitting and watching. So why do I go? Because I love the smell of the dance studio and I learn better from watching. I know what you’re thinking Ew why would you want to smell sweat. And I say to you, it’s not the smell of sweat it’s the smell of hard work. I dance because I love dance and it’s how I show my appreciation to my creator.
Now people who know me, know I push myself too hard. My dance studio’s not professional, but I want to be good. God gave me a talent and I intend to use it. Now you may disagree that God gave me talent and that’s OK, but I believe he did. I over work so I dance not just well, but great. I want to feel like I’m flying when I dance, not that I’m face planting into a hardwood floor.
So I dance, I dance on a bad knee. Not because I have to dance all day everyday (that’s part of it) but because I feel closer to God. I dance because I express myself best that way, and I dance because when I dance I’m more confident and happier then I ever would doing anything else.
I may not be the worlds best dancer, heck I don’t even know who that would be, but I ‘m fine with that. What I’m not fine with is having an injury that could prevent me from dancing for even a little bit of time.
Maybe I seem like I’m being dramatic, my guess is if you think this you are not a dancer. I need to write this for me so I can get how I’m feeling out because if I can’t dance to express myself I write.
I love being a dancer and I love the feeling I get on stage. I feel more alive and I feel calm all at the same time.
Thanks for reading