Screaming in a quiet place

I live in a world where stress and emotion basically run my life. I am constantly stressed about school and constantly reminded that if I don’t stress about school I basically wont have a future. When it’s not school it’s about my home, my family, drama with friends or basically anything else that has to do with life. Sometimes, I feel like I just need out, not like a break, not a weekend getaway, just out. I need to not be surrounded by people who put school above everything else, especially when I feel like my emotional health is being traded for academic success. I can’t be around people who blame each other and never take responsibility for themselves. So, sometimes, I just need a minute to step out of the craziness of my life and breathe. I need to plug in my headphones and internally cry my heart out and pretend the stress and the people don’t exist, but I can’t.

I can’t get away from this, I don’t have anywhere to go, there’s nowhere that is just mine, there’s not quiet room I can sit in to just breathe and forget about life. So all I can do is say nothing about how much pressure I feel and pray that I make it through the day without speaking my mind, because if I spoke my mind nobody would like what came out. Nobody wants to hear about how I don’t believe school should go before everything else, nobody wants to hear about how I can feel my home falling out from underneath itself, and no one wants to hear about how unhappy I am, being where I am. So, I will find a place in my mind that is quiet and safe and I will scream in a place where no one can hear me, and I will cry where no one can see me and I’ll only tell myself how I feel because at the end of the day, no one else is even listening.

Advertisements

My unknown story.

When people ask me for my story, I always smile and say, “Someday, I will tell you.” It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s not even that it makes me uncomfortable, I just don’t know how. My story has too many sub-stories to be sidetracked on, too much context to explain, too many details to describe other details, it just doesn’t work. So, here I am, willing to try but not knowing how.

My story revolves around so many things; I’m not even sure who the main character is. There are so many story-lines, I sometimes wonder if God is preparing for a spinoff. There too much me and not enough airtime.

When people ask for my story, do they mean the jumbled up sentences in my head that could easily be a trilogy? Or do they mean the short novelette that barely scratches the surface? I want to tell them who I am, where I come from, and where I’ve had to go to get to this point. But there are a lot of roads I’ve traveled and many more to go. I don’t know where to begin and I don’t know how to end.

So, to those who truly want to know my story, I will tell you, as soon as I have figured out how to tell myself.

Things I want to do more.

In the past year, I have gotten to know a darker side of myself, a scarier side. Because of the relationship I developed with my “dark side” I have forgotten to do things, simple things that make life just that much better. So here are just a few things I which I had done more in the past year.

  1. Gone outside. I wish I had spent more time outside in the last year, breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun or smelling the breeze that floats through the atmosphere.
  2. Laughed so hard my stomach hurt. It seems funny to miss something as little as laughing but without laughter, I feel like there is little joy in life.
  3. Let my inner child run free. Inside of me, there is a little girl who wants nothing but to play and go on adventures. She’s been dying to be let out and I wish I had of let her take control more in the past year.
  4. Sat in the grass. This sounds crazy, I know, but I wish I had sat in the grass in silence and just remembered to love breathing. I wish I had of remembered to appreciate the world that was surrounding me.
  5. Smiled. I wish, that in the last year, I had of smiled more. I wish I had of genuinely smiled because I was happy. Sure I smiled but it was different, almost forced smile.

These things are small but without them, I would not be living, I would simply be existing. I don’t want to just exist anymore, I wanna to remember to do these every day from this point on. I want to let my inner child take control and teach me how to love life again.

Who thinks about you?

Sometime’s I find that someone who is really important to me, most likely doesn’t feel like I’m important to them.  I’ve been thinking, who are the people I think and talk about all the time? How often do they think of me? Who are those people I love more than anything? There are some specific people that come to might when I consider inviting friends over or asking somebody to go out and have fun, would those same people consider inviting me to something?

Maybe it’s silly to think like this. Maybe it’s a waste of time to wonder who is thinking of you. Who is remembering all the good times and who is wondering if you’re doing okay?
Who considers texting you just to chat or thinks about calling you to see how you’re doing? Who are the people you think of all the time, that only think of you when you’re in the same room?

No signal

Okay, today I’m going to share with you something that I wrote. Now you’re going to have use your imagination a little and maybe you’ll see this story from my point of view or you’ll see it from a different perspective. Well, either way I hope this impacts you somehow and makes you think. I will warn you it’s kind cliche christian.

Now imagine the person losing the connection is you, or me if it doesn’t really apply to you but just imagine it from the callers point of view. Now here’s the surprising part, the person on the other end of the call is God (I know it’s shocking). Yup quite the plot twist. Now in the story it never tells you who it is but if you know who it is then the story might make more sense (or less).

Now, enjoy and imagine yourself in this position. Thank you for reading.

No signal—

You type a number into your phone and press the call button. You hear your phone ring once, then again, and one more time before hearing “Hello,” come through the speaker. Finally, after a day of not talking you finally hear the voice of that one person you can’t live without. “Hey, it’s me,” you say. You can feel happiness bubbling up in your heart and making it’s way through your body. It revives every part of you that felt dead just seconds before pressing the green call button. Then you hear a weird noise and before either of you can say anything else the line goes dead. The feeling of happiness drains from your body and frustration and anger replace it. They hung up on you. Guess they didn’t want to talk to you as much as you wanted to talk to them.

Anger fills your heart so that nothing else can get in. You take the phone and throw it across the room. It lands on an old couch but it bounces off and lands on the floor. Suddenly fear fills you; fear that you might have just broken the only connection to the one you need to talk to. You’re not mad anymore but you’re scared that somehow they know you blamed them for disconnecting and maybe it wasn’t their fault at all. Slowly you cross the floor and hope that your phone still works. You press the power button gently but the screen remains black. You feel a twist in your stomach. Without this phone, how will you talk to him? Again, you press the button harder and hold down longer, you press so hard your entire hand aches from the pressure. You let go and still all you get is a dark screen. You wait a second and then finally a light flickers on and your phone powers up.

You see a bunch of missed call notifications and quickly unlock your phone. All of the calls are from him. He’s been trying to reach you. His name pops up on your screen as a ringtone plays. You press the answer button. “Why’d you hang up on me?” you ask. Again, before he can answer the phone disconnects. You examine the screen; at the top, you realize there is no signal, zero bars. He didn’t hang up, you disconnected.

You walk around the room trying to find a signal. You even go outside. Nothing, no signal. This happens a lot when it rains. Every thunderstorm messes with your connection and right now it’s storming but you have to talk to him. You need him especially during a storm. So you look around the room and finally you see a box and then another box and you have an idea.You stack one of the boxes on top of the other and slowly attempt to climb on top of them. They wobble and you’re afraid of falling but you have to talk to him so you find your balance and dial his number and then press the call button and hold your phone out, your arm extended. Finally, there it is, two bars, only two but it’s enough. Your phone rings, and then rings again before “Hello?’ comes through the speaker. “Hey, sorry my signal dropped,” you reply. “I know. I’ve been waiting patiently for your call,” You two talk for a long time and you forget about your fear of falling because all you really wanted was to talk to the one person you can’t live without.

The End.

So here’s want I want to ask you. If you had a strong connection with God before but lost it would you risk falling to reconnect? If you’re just now connecting with God but don’t really know how would you search everywhere for a signal? The thing is a lot of the time when I pray I don’t feel heard and for the longest time I just assumed God had hung up on me but in reality, I lost the signal. Maybe I didn’t work that hard through my hand cramp to turn my phone back on and most of the time the fear of falling was greater than my will to reconnect.

Maybe this doesn’t apply to you, maybe you don’t even believe there’s a god out there. Maybe you believe in God you just don’t believe you could ever ask him for anything or that you really need him.

I don’t know what your faith is like but I really hope this makes you think, even if you’re just wondering what I was on when I wrote this.

Thank you for reading

-Abby

I care, do you?

When did people put a time limit on how long you can care and worry about somebody, about a fellow human. If I were in a dangerous situation whether I put myself there or just ended up there somehow I would want somebody to care, to fight for me. I’ve heard people talk about how they want to stay out of someone else’s drama and I understand but sometimes you don’t have to put yourself in the middle of the drama in order to show that you care about someone.

A year ago some drama was unfolding involving a close friend of mine. Back then I was so jealous of all the attention she was getting, in a way it still affects me. So many people were praying for her, offering emotional support, loving on her, talking about her and I was complaining because that was taking attention away from me but I get it now. I recently started speaking with her again and there’s still drama but this time I can honestly say that I’m worried about her and I really care about her and what happens to her. The thing is, I’ve updated other people on the situation and some of them seem to have stopped caring.

First of all, this is honestly one of the reasons I don’t refer to myself as a christian, not that all Christians are like this but so many of them pray for people when they know they’ll be seeing them in church on Sunday, but when they don’t see them in church anymore they stop caring. I’ve seen it before and it’s ridiculous. You can’t just pray for someone cause that’s what all the other Christians are doing and then stop caring when it’s no longer a popular trend, that’s not how it works!

Second of all, you don’t have to be a christian to understand that when someone is important to you, you don’t stop loving them when they’re gone.

My fear now is that the people who’ve told me they’ll be there for me, the one’s who have been there through all of my drama will one day decide they’re done. I think one of the worst things is not having someone fight for you.

Right now I am a support system for her possibly the only one she has and I’m not gonna give up on her.

Either you care, or you don’t. You can’t put a expiration date on that. I’m sorry but you can’t. So please get over yourselves and find the little shred of humanity that I really hope you have.

 

 

I’m sorry for the long rant guys! This has just been something that’s been weighing on my heart and it needed to be said. Love you guys.

 

-Abby

Breaking under pressure

A lot of things can pressure someone, and under too much pressure people break. Being homeschooled my entire life, I had no idea how much work somebody in school actually did on a regular bases. I didn’t know how stressful school could be and I didn’t realize how horrible I was at keeping on track. Now I’m doing online school, so while I don’t have to leave the house I still have more work than I’m used to. I have never been so stressed out or tired in my entire life.

Back in November I injured my back and I still don’t know how I injured it or how bad it is so in January I made the decision to take a break from dance which not only kept me in shape physically and mentally but it kept the stress from getting to be as much and was the only thing keeping me somewhat sane and emotionally stable. While writing is a good outlet for my emotions it doesn’t let me act out my anger and sadness, it doesn’t give me something to push myself towards in the physical means.

Now I just feel angry and hateful all the time. I don’t really get sad or if I do it doesn’t last long. I feel like slowly everything that I had is being taken away by a physical issue or even just lack of interest. I leave the house 2 maybe 3 times a week and I get only 2 hours out of the entire week to have social interaction with anyone my age. And sometimes I don’t see anyone at all, and I hate that. I need that social interaction.

I went from being busy everyday of the week to not doing anything in a short time period. Sometimes someone will invite me over and I’ll say no cause I have school to do, sometimes I don’t want to go at all. Sometimes all I want to do  is sleep.

A year ago I finally felt like my life was going places. I was doing so well with everything. I was working with horses and dancing and working with 4 year olds. Now I feel like it’s all reversed. I used to remind myself that I had something to look forward to everyday and now I remind myself that tomorrow is just another day and I pray that I sleep through it.

I used to hear people say they were proud of me and I’d believe them because I was so proud of me too. Now, all I hear is “Do more, be better, work harder, you’re not doing a good job anymore” and even if someone tells me they’re proud, it doesn’t matter. I’m not proud to be me anymore so how could they be proud of me? I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, I can’t handle this pressure, this stress. I can feel myself about to snap, but I’m too tired so I welcome it saying “hurry it up already so I can finally rest,”

I know I’ve been all over the place in this blog so thank you if you made it to the end before hitting the back button. I want you to know this is not me giving up, this is me telling you that I’m breaking under the pressure of life and I recognize it and right now I’m not okay, but I will be.

 

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.