Never say never

It’s funny how often I look back and think of the times in middle school and even freshman year of highschool that I had told myself, convinced at that moment that there was something I would never do, someone I’d never be. I always said I’d never be that teenager that stayed up all night and slept all day, I’d never listen to loud rock music and I’d never get so stressed out over anything that I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions. Now I stay up all night because I’m stressed out about school while blasting Panic! at the disco to keep myself awake.

When I was little, I always wanted to be sixteen. I’d have my own car, I’d be in highschool, I’d have the perfect boyfriend and a huge group of friends. I know I was a very shallow and naive child. Well here I am, age sixteen, and while I’m in highschool, nothing else I expected has happened. I’m not saying being a teenager is a huge letdown or anything, but it’s not what I expected.

I am not who I wanted to be. I’m not who I want to be, basically the opposite. I wanted to be bold, and friendly, and smart, and happy, and creative, and I wanted to know exactly what I wanted to do with my life and how to make it happen. Instead I am timid, self-conscious, rude, I’m not completely depressed but I’m not happy, I continue to make decisions impulsively that I do not agree with, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

In a way this is me admitting that I have no idea what I’m doing in life right now. I don’t like how I took everything I said I never wanted to be and made it my identity I took my ideas of being a good person and said “screw it!” this is highschool, I’m going to do whatever I want and figure everything else out later.

I keep asking myself how it is that I ended up where I am now. When did I start caring what others think so much, that I change depending on the people I’m with so they’ll like me? When did I stop telling people how I felt about something because I didn’t want them to hate me? When did I become so worried about things other people wanted me to do because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone?

I became that teenager that only cares what humanity thinks of her, I became that girl who is afraid to tell people what she thinks, how she feels, and what she’s going through because she doesn’t want people to hate who she really is. I became self absorbed to be honest.

The thing is, I convinced myself that everyone thinks and sees things the same way I do. I am convinced that everyone sees me the way I see me which is probably why I work so hard to get their attention and approval. It’s probably the reason I assume that I need to make myself seem perfect in the eyes of whoever I am around so they will not hate me.

I’m not who I wanted to be, all those things I said I would never become, I became. It’s kind of funny actually because now I understand why so many people keep saying “never say never,”

Thanks for reading!

-Abby.

 

 

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The necklace

Something has been happening the last few weeks. I have been fighting with myself and with God. In the past year I have been everywhere in terms of mental and emotional stability. I doubted that God loved me or cared for me and even started to doubt that he wanted me and was powerful enough to help me in my situation.

I confused myself as well as stressing myself out and I think the most damaging thing I did to myself was I wouldn’t let myself trust anything I couldn’t physically touch in the moment. If somebody told my they loved me, while they were in the room I believed them, but the second they left, I wondered if maybe they forgot me the second they left.

Tonight, at youth group, I was thinking. I thought about how I have convinced myself that I could handle life on my own and I thought of how that really wasn’t working out. I was convinced that no matter what I did NOT want any kind of help from anyone, even God.

A friend of mine who specializes in lectures about God planted a seed of thought in my head last night. He said “If you’re not good at handling your problems by yourself, and you’ve admitted that you haven’t actually tried to accept God and his help, then what sense does it make to not need or want him in your life?” And I’m not gonna lie, I really didn’t have a good answer. A few excuses maybe, but no solid answer.

So tonight, while everyone was discussing the topic chosen for them,  I zoned out and got lost in thought. I realized tonight that even if I don’t think I want God in my life I do need him. God is there and he doesn’t “not want people,” God wants everyone to come to him, it’s us that turn away.

I was upset, because I realized how far I had strayed from God. But here’s the interesting part, I went and sat in the back corner alone and immediately two of my friends came to me. And while I wasn’t crying, they knew I needed them ant they knew what I needed from them even though I didn’t have any idea. The one friend comforted me. I often refuse to accept that somebody cares about me or loves me, it’s something I struggle with, even though I don’t really have a reason to have that struggle. I also fail to remember that God is ALWAYS with me.

This friend asked me to hold out my hand, and when I did he places a brown beaded necklace in the palm of my hand. He told me that he would pray over this necklace, he said in a way, that it was a symbol that helped him remember God was always with him. He gave me that necklace so that I could remember that no matter what God is always with me.

Not only that but people I barely know came around and prayed for me and hugged me and just made me feel loved.

I didn’t know I needed that but not only do I feel loved but now I have something I can touch to help me remember I’m not alone and I’m loved and cared for. While I don’t think I should rely on a physical object to help my faith grow I think that God was providing me with solid proof that even though I may have walked away, he never left my side.

This is also a reminder that anything you do no matter how small for the good of someone else may affect them much more than you know.

Positivity

I am I generally negative person, not normally on purpose but sometimes I just am. I’ve been thinking lately about what causes that kind of negativity and what it would be like to be positive. Much of the time somebody will tell me having a bad day, or bring in a bad mood is really my choice and I could just decide to be in a good mood and sometimes that’s true, sometimes it’s not.

I’m a stubborn person though so even if I know I could be positive that day I will choose no to just to prove some kind of point to everyone that I am a grumpy and very rude person. I don’t know why I choose to make people believe I’m grumpy but I do.

Well something interesting happened today. I woke up with no patience and a really bad headache and part way through the day I just said to myself “Today is a good day,” Yeah I know it sounds stupid trying to just convince myself of this but it worked. I decided today was a good day and now it is. I realize this may not work everytime but what I find most interesting, is while I still have a lingering headache, it is definitely fading ever since I told myself today was a good day.

What I really should say is that, while you can’t always control whether or not you have a bad day, you can at least try to convince yourself to have a good attitude and not be as affected by having a bad day.

Thanks for reading!

-Abby

Goals

Not a lot has happened lately to give me something to write about. A new year has started but not much has changed. I find that a lot of us are expecting some big change to happen right at the beginning of the new year, and maybe for you it has. But I don’t think we should expect big changes to happen in two weeks, it only discourages many of us from achieving the goals we have set for ourselves.

In school I’ve been learning a lot about setting goals. I’ve always liked setting goals for myself but I’ve rarely ever achieved the goals that I want to because I always give up within the first three or four days after it doesn’t happen within the first three or four days. Sometimes we expect everything to happen right away and when it doesn’t we give up because we’ve made ourselves believe that if it hasn’t happened yet, it never will

Of course even things we work for our entire lives may never happen but things we work towards for a week and give up will not happen.

I don’t really know what made me want to write about this but I’m glad I did.

Thanks for reading!

 

Here’s to 2017

Here’s to the start of another year. A lot happened in 2016 and I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the world. I can’t say I had the best year but I also can’t say I had the worst year, I can say that it was an eventful year.

2016 is gone and 2017 has arrived, so here’s to the new relationships we’ll make, the happy moments, the sad moments and everything in between. I’m excited to see what this new year will bring me. Here’s to new dreams and even new nightmares. Here’s to everything this year that will permanently be set in my mind. No matter what happens the good and the bad I know in the end it’s for the best because I trust that my story is still being written and I trust that there will be a happy ending.

So I just want to wish everyone a happy new year, and thanks for reading.

 

-Abby.

God, do you hear me? 

God, are you there? I prayed but I never heard a response, searched your book but did not find answers, sang your praises but did not feel you. Am I doing it wrong? Am I not praying hard enough, searching long enough, singing loud enough?

God can you see me? Do you see me trembling? God I’m scared and confused but I’m trying. Am I not trying hard enough? 

God can you hear me? I’m sorry. I know what I did and I’m sorry, but you said you wouldn’t leave, please don’t leave me. Do you hear me crying out, screaming? I need you, where are you? Am I not screaming loud enough?

God did you leave me? I understand, if i could I’d leave me too. Do you not want me? Because I doubted you, disobeyed you and hated you. Did you not want me? Did you turn your back and decide I wasn’t worth your attention? I get it I don’t want me either.

God can you touch me? If you’re still there can you let me feel you?

Did I not pray hard enough, scream loud enough, search long enough? I know I don’t deserve your attention, but God I’m breaking, I need you, and you promised you would never leave.

God, did you forget me? Were you too busy with people who needed you more? Did you forget how hard I’ve tried to get you to hear me, see me, touch me. I searched but couldn’t find you, cried out out but you never came. 

God do you know who I am? My name is Abby, I’m broken, i ran away from you, but I’m back and I need you.

God after everything I’ve done do you still love me? Will you take me back? Do you remember me? We were close when I was little.

God, I’m sorry, I know I’ll mess up and maybe run away again. Will you wait for me to come back? Because God I’m trying and I want to come back. 

God I don’t know what to do and I need you. Please, help me. 

                               Love, Abby. 

This drives me crazy!

Something that I have noticed has begun to drive me insane recently is; listening to people complain about other people. It’s annoying and it’s kind of immature. If you have a problem with that person feel free to talk to them but I don’t want to hear why you dislike them or what you think they’re doing wrong.

I’ve overheard people complain about me so many times and I hate it because honestly I would much rather them talk to me than somebody else talking to me on their behalf. If you’re annoyed with something I’m doing or if something I said hurt your feelings tell me! I cannot fix anything if I don’t know what you’re upset about, or if I don’t even know you’re upset.

I found that people have been avoiding telling me what they actually think so they’re just constantly mad at me and I don’t know it. And then later when I find out they’re upset they deny it or just ignore me altogether. I’m not flip out on you because you told me something I did hurt you! I want to know.

And I’m sure others feel that way too. I’ve been noticing more and more how much people talk about others negatively and much of the time it really sounds like something they could actually let go and forget about. But seriously guys if you’re upset with something someone else did or said tell then it could save you a lot of trouble.