Something has been happening the last few weeks. I have been fighting with myself and with God. In the past year I have been everywhere in terms of mental and emotional stability. I doubted that God loved me or cared for me and even started to doubt that he wanted me and was powerful enough to help me in my situation.
I confused myself as well as stressing myself out and I think the most damaging thing I did to myself was I wouldn’t let myself trust anything I couldn’t physically touch in the moment. If somebody told my they loved me, while they were in the room I believed them, but the second they left, I wondered if maybe they forgot me the second they left.
Tonight, at youth group, I was thinking. I thought about how I have convinced myself that I could handle life on my own and I thought of how that really wasn’t working out. I was convinced that no matter what I did NOT want any kind of help from anyone, even God.
A friend of mine who specializes in lectures about God planted a seed of thought in my head last night. He said “If you’re not good at handling your problems by yourself, and you’ve admitted that you haven’t actually tried to accept God and his help, then what sense does it make to not need or want him in your life?” And I’m not gonna lie, I really didn’t have a good answer. A few excuses maybe, but no solid answer.
So tonight, while everyone was discussing the topic chosen for them, I zoned out and got lost in thought. I realized tonight that even if I don’t think I want God in my life I do need him. God is there and he doesn’t “not want people,” God wants everyone to come to him, it’s us that turn away.
I was upset, because I realized how far I had strayed from God. But here’s the interesting part, I went and sat in the back corner alone and immediately two of my friends came to me. And while I wasn’t crying, they knew I needed them ant they knew what I needed from them even though I didn’t have any idea. The one friend comforted me. I often refuse to accept that somebody cares about me or loves me, it’s something I struggle with, even though I don’t really have a reason to have that struggle. I also fail to remember that God is ALWAYS with me.
This friend asked me to hold out my hand, and when I did he places a brown beaded necklace in the palm of my hand. He told me that he would pray over this necklace, he said in a way, that it was a symbol that helped him remember God was always with him. He gave me that necklace so that I could remember that no matter what God is always with me.
Not only that but people I barely know came around and prayed for me and hugged me and just made me feel loved.
I didn’t know I needed that but not only do I feel loved but now I have something I can touch to help me remember I’m not alone and I’m loved and cared for. While I don’t think I should rely on a physical object to help my faith grow I think that God was providing me with solid proof that even though I may have walked away, he never left my side.
This is also a reminder that anything you do no matter how small for the good of someone else may affect them much more than you know.