Lately my life has been all about waiting. Waiting for results on my knee, waiting to talk to people about a fight we had, waiting to hang out with people, waiting on an update about a friend who moved away. And along with waiting comes uncertainty.
Sometimes you don’t notice you’ve been holding your breath until you can breathe again. Life’s been mostly great lately, but I’ve also messed up a lot so far this year. So I’ve been waiting. Waiting for forgiveness, waiting to know I can dance, Waiting to know when I can stop therapy, waiting for the future.
I realize how bad of a person I can be, but come on no one’s perfect. So, how come when I screw up, people can’t let it go, and I can’t let it go. I always feel like the reason things go wrong, I always think if I just left everyone would be better off, I know I’m not perfect and I never will be, but I want to stop making the same mistakes over and over again.
You know that exercise where you have to take a deep breath and hold it and then slowly blow out. Basically I feel like I’ve inhaled and I’m still waiting until I can exhale. I feel like when I stop messing everything up I’m allowed to breathe out.
And everyone at church they say, pray, read your bible, God will help you. And it’s like most of the time I believe God wants to help me , but lately it’s like, why? Why did God give up everything for me, when I wont even give up what I hate about myself for him? How can I accept his gift to me, when I don’t even think he wants me anymore. I mean if the people in a sinful world don’t want a sinful person, why would God who lives in a perfect, sinless world, want a sinful person?
I’m at the point in my faith many people told me I would reach, I catch myself challenging God, who should be challenging me. I doubt him even though I can feel his presence. He’s shown himself to me and I still can’t really see him. I do my best to breathe out and trust him and hopefully one day I will get back to where I was.
I want to trust that God wants me no matter what I’ve done and who I am. I want to believe that he sent his son for sinners and that if I were the only one on earth he would still send Jesus to die for me. But it’s hard to see when you’ve been holding your breath so long that your brain is oxygen starved so your vision is foggy. I feel like, I know the truth but there are two people using my head and one wants to believe and one just wants to die (not literally I’m not suicidal). There’s only room in my head for one person and one day I hope to kick Bob (the other voice) out and shut him up for good. And then I can finally breathe again