I’m pretty sure this is issue; expressing yourself. I always tell myself to hide how I feel, it’s like a reflex or something. i don’t tell the truth often because I highly doubt that people care how I feel.
I never cry in public, I basically never cry, ever. I always tell myself it’s a bad thing. I laugh when I’m hurt. I want to look strong infront of people, when really I’m not. I want people to think of me as a warrior, and I can’t show weakness, even if people aren’t looking. If I let my guard down when I’m alone then I may put it down and show how weak I really am.
People say that I’m strong, and smart, and pretty and I find it hard to believe. It’s like I know I am, but I don’t feel that way.
Often to show my “strength” I act mean towards people.
Anyway this isn’t about my insecurities. Expressing myself is really hard for me. I don’t like hugs, I don’t like when others cry (makes me uncomfortable), I don’t like when people laugh, I don’t like smiling, or laughing, or crying. I don’t like the question “what’s wrong?” because a lot of times I don’t know, I tend to get angry for no reason, and hold grudges for no reason. I get sad for no reason. See this is all the life of a teen I guess, so why am I complaining.
Why do I bother posting this? I don’t know but I felt like I wanted to. Two of my close friends are gonna see this, and they probably already knew this stuff and I’m just confirming it for them.
So yeah guys I’m insecure, just like everyone else. But I want to be a leader. I want to be strong and independent. I want to be brave. All things I’m not. But what I am is a dancer, and a writer, and a child of God. So this is how I express myself. And I know that God has a plan for my life, even if I’m not a warrior, I mean that’s what books are for, making me feel like a warrior. I like to imagine myself in a world where I’m who I want to be.
I’m not writing this for your pity, or for your help. I don’t want comments telling me how strong I actually am, I’m writing this to admit to myself this is who I am and you just get to read it.
I’m sure I’ll write more about this in the future.
Thanks for reading! I have really become a boring writer.